And so I was visiting with Dad last night – and even with several cues he could not remember my birthday.
“Oh look Dad, let’s change your calendar to OCTOBER – oh and my goodness TOMORROW IS OCTOBER FIRST. GEE WHAT HAPPENED ON OCTOBER SECOND?”
Pause for answer...blank stare...Dad? Dad? Poor guy. So then I tried...
”Oh Honey! (voice from the past) It’s a girl!” still blank stare... I was the baby girl that surprised them. Dad was the third and first surviving son of five. My mom was convinced I would be a boy. ...Still no recognition.
I had to tell him it is my birthday. And while he is struggling to find the memory, he says, sadly, “I am losing my memory.” I respond by saying, " Dad, it’s okay, I wanna forget this one too!" And then, I reassure him that we never really talk about birthdays anyway (except his) and then I think to myself, he was never in charge of remembering these anyway. It was always Mom.
Then the ensuing conversation, I decide, is going to be all about me – since we never do that – and I launch into my work, the struggle to do more with less help – and he’s suddenly different; attentive, “dad” like, in charge – advising me – like I actually feel like the daughter and he’s the dad.
It’s so damn weird.
Yet, it's in this conversation that I know my dad is still in there if even for a moment.
He's having more frequent moments like this...staring into space, looking at you like he is searching for the answer, sometimes looking at you like you are a stranger. He is trying so hard to remember stuff - details - things that he never would have forgotten...what he had for breakfast...the aide's name...when he last saw me.
It's the confusion and the anger that's so hard to figure. He was never like this - ever - with us, with Mom, with anyone. Yet, I guess it's in there - a part of all of us. Just hidden.
Hit the reset button.
It's what I do when I visit. Hit the reset button. Recenter him. Get him into real time. Talk about now.
At least for a few minutes, I can bring him back to me and we can have a "normal" conversation.
What more can I do?
